*Names have been changed (slightly) to protect identity
Feedback accepted graciously (no violence involved, i swear)
Disclaimer: All events and proceedings related to this site are fictitious. Any association to current affairs is ENTIRELY coincidental...Completely coincidental
(Ha, that'll keep those with libel in mind happy. or dead)

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Some things never change..

Hahahah the other day I grabbed a rolled up pair of gloves from the top of the laundry basket.
On the bus later that day, I unravelled them to realise that the pair I had brought was in fact only one glove.
And then, to my great shock, and widespread embarrassment, as I unrolled it further, it turned out to be – not a pair of gloves, but an extremely large sock.
Well... at least one hand was warm?

The mass photo yesterday went a lot better than expected – thanks to EVERYONE that turned up, we couldn’t have done it without you. You have no idea how good it feels to see your brainchild unfold in front of you. Thank you for giving me your time to make this work. I've seen the shots we managed to take (bird-poo FREE! LOL at Machete) and I think it'll make a great front cover.

Also – we had a record number of cheques in. Trust everyone (including me 0:D) to hand in our money on the last day! Lol, also, if anyone has any school-related memories from yr7-13 that they think are vaguely amusing then shoutout and let me know as I’m doing the Memories spread this weekend.

Boy, I’ll be glad once this yearbook deal is over! We should be sending it off next week to be printed, and getting it in May.
THE PROM! Or "The Leavers' Ball" as we've called it

I’ve already sent off the tickets to be printed for that – we’ll start selling as soon as we get them.

Finally - back to all things academic.

It seems we’re coming to the last leg of exams. But knowing my knack for tripping on the final straight (*cries*), I’m not so confident for my Economics exam on the 30th.
A fine example of my confidence being in todays lesson.

Mr Skinner: “What do your essays lack girls?”
“Proper economic theory?”

Whilst reading the sheet out loud
“..and these bear scant to…*confused pause*...oh!” – with "bear scant" pronounced as “BARE scant! (innit)”

Oh dear oh dear....


17 comments of possible worth have been left
# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 1/21/2006 01:10:00 pm

Friday, January 13, 2006

**The day I left Boots. Unforgettable.**

Many of you will have asked what my SN "DurexPlay SHAME! Coming soon!" will have been about. Again, i repeat, "coming soon" is not indicative of the possible events. (thanks for the endless wit)

Okay, I know most of you are in the middle of exams, so I thought I'd cheer you up with another hilarious yet utterly humilating story. I've given up working during the exam season (never fear, i'll return in feb) but on my last saturday there, fate decided to let me go out with ... well you'll see...

Of course, embarassing scenarios and events seem to gravitate their way towards me so this will probably not come as a surprise to you. But I give you permission to read this, possibly picture it in your mind, and - if you feel you HAVE to. If you REALLY feel inclined to. You may laugh. Laugh in all your entirety at its complete and utter ... stupidity.

So, here the story begins.

My darling place of work that is Boots PLC was quiet one Saturday afternoon.

I was standing at the till, happily pricing away the reduced items when MissD comes up to me with the utmost look of glee on her face. Note. This often happens when she's seen someone purchase something they SO shouldn't, or when she's seen something we sell that's got a funny name, or something we can easily poke fun at. (Basically, anything we'll find remotely amusing I suppose)
"I think we need to price this" she says holding out her hand.
I reach out, palm up, to take what she's handing me and she SLAPS it into my hand.
My hand tingles from the slap.
nd still tingles. No wait a minute.. my whole HAND is shaking! But it doesnt hurt like a normal slap does.
Then i realised. It's not actually my hand, but what she handed me.


Sighing with dread, I opened my hand to reveal.

Yes mates. This is a vibrating sexual aid. A VSA as we dubbed it.
And this particular vibrating sexual aid was doing it's thing right in the middle of my hand.

Caught completely unaware I flipped my palm up to the ceiling and it landed on the counter with a soft tszz, continuing to vibrate within it's packaging. Slowly, I raised myself off the floor until I came eye level with the counter.
Tszz... tszz... tszz - the packet was walking towards me.


Now, to describe a moment like this is very difficult but imagine my shock of experiencing the bringing-to-life of a BRIGHT PINK condom packet (that's essentially what it looks like)

You know those joke boxes where you press a button and it starts shouting and shaking as if there's someone trapped inside?

Okay, just when i'd got adjusted to what had happened (of course MissD didn't mean to turn it on) - we assessed the situation.
"Err Zoe...how does it switch off?"

Two minutes and numerous attempts later, we concluded that no amount of hitting it or slapping it on the counter was going to work.
Another minute later, we also realised that squeezing it had no effect whatsoever apart from aggravating the vibrations to tszZZZZz...

Just about to announce another cunning plan when a certain customer heads towards the till. (HINT There are four shops bordering Boots that are filled with predominantly young male workers)
* Cue the FRANTIC shuffling and sweeping away of ANYTHING that could appear suspicious to the unsuspecting customer *

And so, whilst the customer is experiencing possibly THE fastest check out of his items ever. (And i'll care to rephrase that...) Haha so, WHILST we're scanning his goods (Oh my, I am having a FIELD day on this .. :/)

Third time lucky (for both our sakes)

Whilst we're doing our job, the pink packet is continuing to vibrate in it's packaging on the floor, blissfully unaware of whats happening above it. I'll have you know it's very hard to maintain a straight face no only while there's a VSA humming faintly in the background, but in addition to that, when it's crashing into your foot like an attention seeking puppy.

Finally, the customer goes, and scooping up the packet, I take it over to the No7 Counter to see if anyone can turn the thing off.
No luck.
All squeezing and pressing has little effect when you can't actually see inside the packet. There's a nice diagram on the back of the packet on how it works, but as nice and "straightforward" as it seems its USELESS we can't seem to "feel" the on/off switch. Nice work MissD :S

*sigh* Final port of call. Authority.

Oh, you have NO idea how embarassing this was to explain. You can imagine I'm sure.
Particularly as my boss is now male. (Note - by saying "now" i'm not implying he's a she-he, it's a new one)

This is becoming quite a lengthy story now, and i'm sure you've had enough fun.
The epilogue?

In the end, we cut the packet open, turned off the VSA (i still have NO idea how we managed to turn it on)

And back I went to my pricing...

Now, IF you ever happen to go into my Boots and see on the shelf, a pink packet. Badly taped and bound with cellotape and a makeshift packet. And a large sticker saying £1 on it....

You will know why :)

PS We had to make it cheaper due to the opened packaging. Oh yeah, and the fact that about half of it's "20 minutes of vibration" had actually gone ....

I love my life...

5 comments of possible worth have been left
# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 1/13/2006 05:58:00 pm

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


Yes, i know this is old news. Thank you very much.

Right, obviously, it's polite to keep asking people, "how was your new year?" "how was your christmas?" As i have already tried to repeat my answer through cut and paste - unsuccessfully may i add - sorry to those who received my Economics revision pasted on your screen.

My New Year, like all other things in my life, was hectic to say the least. Now cast your minds back to last year.

Well this year was that x100

First of all. NYE. Had to get up stupidly early as Boots had a "open an hour earlier, close an hour earlier" sort of deal going on. Thus I got up for work at 8AM. (And I have a good story involving an embarassed SportsWorld guy but i'll leave that for another time.)
Anyways, The Family descended in their masses to my house and by the time i got home there were 20+ family members already starting the festivities.

Of course, this year we had a repeat of the fireworks. And running away from them. And running inside as the embers fell....
The ground in my garden is quite soft so the fireworks probably gradually changed their angle as the fuse burnt down. Again, we have video images of the "official fireworks lighter" running away at an extreme pace from the light. And again, like last year the apocalypse came with embers being carried by the wind towards us.
Cue more shouting of "GET INTO THE HOUSE KIDS! ITS NOT SAFE!!! RUN RUN!"

Again, i'd like to re-iterate- why do half my family events involve the phrase "RUN! RUN AWAY! Its not safe!" in them?


Fireworks over, the elders continued their gambling games into the early hours. THe very early hours. As in 6AM early hours. And of course, being the hostess with the mostess, it's an unwritten rule not to go to sleep before your guests conk out. Us mini-waitresses spent our time playing endless rounds of Pictionary, Articulate, Monopoly and UNO. Plus The Phantom Of The Opera played... with participants during the songs... Oh dear god. Try listening to "the phaaaaaantom of the opera is heeere!" at 3AM

Anyways, by 6AM, the house was still and we slept on and on........ til about 11AM as we had to meet MORE family members in town for lunch at noon.

And so we did.
Many of you will have seen the paint- edited picture of yours truly almost falling asleep. Many of you will have laughed. With me of course.

Anyway. We shopped the rest of the day and returned to la casa. (You MUST see my two new dresses, which, for the record are lushhhhhh)
Again, the night was spent with the usual "festivities" - seriously, if i hear the clicking of mahjong tiles any more...
Those that lived up North left just before midnight. Of course, the long distance stragglers stayed behind to sleep the night. Even though less sleeping was done. Many thanks to those of you who relieved me from my boredom and texted me back at 3AM. *cries*

It seems that soon after that, FINALLY the house was still. Listening from upstairs, I understood that this would be shortlived and quickly replaced by a big rush later that day when I had to wake them to catch trains and transport etc.
Reminders of last year when I found cufflinks in the garden.
Having to get up for 8AM to hunt for shoes is always a blast...

The last of the family left last night. The house has been restored. Gloves found in sinks have been returned to their owners. The mahjong set is back under the stairs.

I am at peace.


Lets see... 7 people i'm talking to who are currently doing homework.... all of which who are on MSN. 1 person doing coursework in addition.

Will we ever learn?

Lol, I've had questions as to how i've even managed to last this long without falling asleep at the keyboard. A good pot of jasmine tea and some hardcore carbs with a high sugar content is all you need. That and a little bit of faith of course.

Happy New Year xx

6 comments of possible worth have been left
# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 1/03/2006 02:34:00 pm

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Quotable Quotes about the site from the MYNSIL readers

"If i were a tree.... this is where i'd be"


"If watermelons could talk.... "

"I used to watch paint dry until I found your blog, then I found a new meaning of bordem"

"Have actually been to your site now- is good, I think"

"Hell without the pointy things"

"...is very good and not at all uninteresting"

"I thought this was the queue (spelling) for the ice-cream "

"Its wikid"

"indeed i like lol, thats y i rd it wenever summin new comes out lol"

"I like being famousish"

"Your website keeps me sane" - (WTF?LOL)

"Zoe is a jolly good example of English manners and Decency"

"...a secret agent in the happy andrex puppy world who wishes to infiltrate this hapiness and let them see the true light" -thats Raz about me ...

"I really like the link to the immature rude words my favourite is K for Kangaroo Spunk"

"Yes one haas done a Zoe and eaten too many E numbers and now ich bin hyper"

"Shine on you crazy diamond!"