*Names have been changed (slightly) to protect identity
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Disclaimer: All events and proceedings related to this site are fictitious. Any association to current affairs is ENTIRELY coincidental...Completely coincidental
(Ha, that'll keep those with libel in mind happy. or dead)

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

I was going to write something worthwhile but Ive forgotten what it was. How me. Ive been strumming the guitar again and now my fingers have some attractive dents in them. Oooh.
OH dear, i think im rambling again. Hmm, talking about rambling, the D of E diary is actually complete. Get that! Well, im just filling in the bit about how Group 11 broke all the rules of the country code but apart from that, my masterpiece is complete. Lol, is anyone still reading it? I would love to hear your comments and stuff. Im trying to get a link on this site where you can mail me but its being gay and saying "the page you requested is unavailable right now" Im going to go now, but as soon as i log off, I'll then remember the original topic.
Isnt life such a piss-take?

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/30/2003 07:16:00 pm

Friday, July 25, 2003

Pliars gave me this address today. You MUST check it out, no its not a stupid game or a virus or something stupid and not worth your time. No its not funny, or one of those funny webpages. Its the confirmation that stupidity has finally overcome integrity and respect.9/11 is not something to be toyed with (play on words-suck on that Ms Milzani!) let alone made money from. Who the hell sees this kinda thing is a game?! It leaves me with this parting question. What is our world coming to?
(i sound so intellectual)


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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/25/2003 06:02:00 pm

Thursday, July 24, 2003

I am trapped in my own home. Im on 2 hours of work a day. What a great summer holiday im having. Oh the fun of it all.
Today, Elisha came round my house, so i coincedntally missed my two hours. You know what my dad says? "Dont worry Zoe, you can do them tomoro as well!" Whoopdeedoo.
I wasnt allowed to go to Sophies party, apparently Lyndy walked into her patio door. Awwwww...... pfft....... lol
Ive been given numerous offers of rescue. Diggle has kindly offered to hide me in his suitcase and take me to Cyprus. JB has told me that he'll come in my house dressed as a "terrorist-person". Sophie has said that i can run away to her house. Oh the choices.... Any more offers? I'd obviously like to keep my options open seeing that these are sooo...... pleh, cant even think of the word for it. OH dear, im just rambling now.... LOOK WHAT IVE BEEN REDUCED TO!!
Seriously, if neone has any more rescue attempts in mind, please tell me........... oh god, all i do at home now is study, and eat and eat and eat.
And then, when i do get let out. THE INCIDENT happens!! lol, i wont go into that... iv probably told you all zillions of times.
Oooh, my popcorns ready. Laters.

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/24/2003 05:35:00 pm

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Just a quick note to say Have a great summer hols everyone, and I'll see most of you in September. Ice Cream Ice Cream Ice Cream!!! Dont forget to put on Sun Cream! We dont want to end up with a class of pink people!

To All my 673-ers , its been a fun 4 years -or so, but the time of the 673 has had to end. :( Me thinks the bus company thought they were being smart when they decided to split us all up. lol, Im an 843-er now. Should see some of you there!
Remember theres a part of the 673 in all of us
PS Maybe if we turn our new bus drivers in traumatised wrecks, they'll give us Frank and his "sketti" back lol

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/19/2003 12:52:00 pm
Chapter 3: The Long Road to "Sunny-bloody-Brook Farm"
ps Newbies, the other chapters are either down the page somewhere or in the Archives (look to the left)

First of all, we knew that we would probably fall to our spiky, barbed doom if we carried the bags so we threw them all over the fence and hoped that no one would snatch them before we got over. Yes, because of course there’s a high demand in the market for bright yellow camping mats with holes randomly ripped out of the sides. We sent Harriet over the fence first by holding down the lethal points whilst she clambered over. This proved to be a success and soon we had a small yet effective system going as a team. Heh, suck on that Dr Wall! When we had got half of our group over, we realised that we were being watched by people sitting nearby, having a picnic. We looked at them with obvious looks of helplessness but they seemed perfectly happy just watching us amusedly whilst they chomped on lush looking ice cream. After it was clear that we were not even going to get a sympathetic glance from them let alone an offer from them to take us to Green Park in their car, we continued with our struggle whilst cursing them, hoping that they would choke on their ice creams.
Finally, after many tiring minutes of helping each other Group 11 made it over the fence with no fatal injuries or wounds. However, Zoë had to continue the walk with an attractive hole in the back of her trousers but it was decided that the hole was “meant to be there” In fact we realised that Nature had a way of altering all our trousers. We all now had appealing grass stains on our back pockets, wet patches in the most appropriate places and in one particular case, striking brown splotches for which the cows were thanked in a most gracious way.
“Oh. My. God. Look what the buggers left on my trousers. Ew. Ew. Ew. I hate cows. I hate walking. Stupid D of E. Stupid stupid stupid. I want to go home!”
We walked along the canal but unfortunately weren’t joined by any more ducks. It was a shame, seeing that there were plenty of Peperamis left. We came to the main road and found out that we needed to walk down it for 2km or so. 2 km would have been fine in the woods but out on the road there was no shade and the hot sun beat down on us like an invisible weight. We took a deep breath and started walking.
After a few minutes we were passed by a tractor that beeped at us in a most taunting manner. We all sighed wearily and then realised that it was pulling an open trailer behind it. A trailer that could easily fit us all in and could carry us down the road in 10 minutes. As the idea formed in our heads we began to frantically chase the tractor with the intention of throwing our bags on first. However, no matter how much we shouted and waved our hands, the tractor driver ignored us and obviously had no intention of slowing down for us. Our waves and signals suddenly turned into very rude ones and some members of Group 11 took delight in sticking their middle fingers up and shouting after the tractor which slowly disappeared out of sight.
“OY TRACTOR MAN! I HOPE YOU CRASH AND BURN! YOU HEAR ME? CRASH AND BURN!” In reply, the tractor picked up speed and became a small dot on the horizon. There went our free ride. We weren’t even sure if we were on the right lane so we asked a lorry driver who replied with “Sorry, I don’t speak English” in an unconvincing Spanish accent.
Positive that everyone was against us we stopped for a short break even though this was a bad idea seeing that we were along a narrow country lane with lorries rushing past every now and then. However Alexa, Zoë and Danielle wanted to stop for a break and with the most stubborn member, not to mention the most violent member of the group amongst the three (not mentioning any names) it was decided that they were going to stop, no matter what. In other words, the only thing that would make them move was either a passing ice-cream man giving out free samples or a passing ice cream man giving out free samples and money.
So that’s how Group 11 came to be sitting on the edge of the ditch looking very forlorn and helpless. Alexa was tired, we had been walking for a long while. Harriet looked perplexed as she studied the map with an expert air, wondering whether we were on the right road. Ents seemed drowsy, perhaps she hadn’t got much sleep (DOWN TO THE INCESSANT TALKING!) Chrissy had an annoyed look on her face, her hairbrush was somewhere in the depths of her bag and her hair was being ruffled by the wind. Hollie was smiling to herself, perhaps thinking of a certain someone whose name we shall not mention (heheh, sorry Hollie). Danielle was the most weary of us all and was drinking vast amounts of water, which was ironic, seeing that she hadn’t attended to the call of Nature even once. All six of them were sitting in line quietly apart from Zoë who was rummaging in her bag recklessly sprawled on the road. She was probably the only one out of Group 11 who wasn’t thinking about D of E. No, instead she had the most irrelevant intent in her head. Find Food. Eat Food. Be Happy.

ALmost finished!! Chapter 4 -the Final Chapter is soon to be complete!!!

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/19/2003 12:37:00 pm

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

We were “cordially” invited to a ‘picnic’ at the Grammar today. Was quite fun. We were panicking when we felt the raindrops because it would be cancelled but the gods were smiling upon one of us – (probably Lyndy) and it cleared up.
Lunch went well except for a bird who decided to drop its waste products on my skirt. Bastard. Needless to say, I wasn’t pleased… it went along the lines of “EWWWW!!”
Oh the joys of Nature and its wonderful creatures. It was quite amusing tho and I had a way of telling everyone I met, including a guy who I didn’t know who suddenly had a very scared look on his face.
“Hi, Im Zoë, I’ve just been crapped on, nice to meet you!” - And who says first impressions are the most important?

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/16/2003 07:51:00 pm

Monday, July 14, 2003

Lol, I’m taking the rabbit to the vets today. He’s having “the snip” as my mature friend so delightfully calls it. When I put him in his little carry box he looked at me with his lil pink eyes as if to say “No! don’t take my manhood away!”
Sorry lil dude, but the fact that you hump practically everything in sight kinda makes it a no-negotiating deal……

Heheh, he came back all drowsy and half dead. What has the vet been doing?
PS DofE Diary Chapter 3 is almost finished!!

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/14/2003 05:03:00 pm

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Today, we had a barbecue, roast poussins avec legumes-according to the Waitrose food card. Pronounced poo-sins by my delightful mother. Lol, we then got shouted at by our Irish neighbours for playing Norah Jones too loud. Uh-oh, the leprechauns are going to get me!
Oh yeah, and as if my torture isnt enough, my parents are decidedly pumping me full of milk in order to “fatten me up”. Its something my crazy aunt recommended. That makes me sound like an animal that they are going to kill and eat :S Ergh, if I have any more milk, im going to start mooing. Hehe, you’d like that wouldn’t you?

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/13/2003 08:28:00 pm

Friday, July 11, 2003

Feel free to spread the word that is my Philosophy

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/11/2003 07:10:00 pm
Evening. I've decided to take a short break from the current Diary- i think i have online writers block. Lets see, what did i do today?
Well, there was AGS house tennis which was fun. Mmmm boys wearing shorts..... lol Unfortunately JIm has gone for the lobster look after todays afternoon session in which he lost apparently because his sister put him off. Yeah....*nods* sure.
I however am the champion of not-being-able-to-play-tennis. I can proudly say that i cant catch and the only times that i actually hit the ball are when i picture it as Mrs Ferris' head.
Conclusion: Tennis is purely a spectator sport, and what a great one it is- its hilarious to hear the random grunts and "urgh!"s
Its Friday. WILL AND GRACE! SCRUBS! EASTENDERS-which i have to say has gone downhill ever since Dennis started putting his shirts on leaving no sign of his manly torso (rat bums)
Anyways, must go,im not meant to be online because apparently the C, 3 B's, 3 A's and A* i got was "a load of sh*t" - it "must be down to the fact that i talk to too many people online" (WTF?). And thats my loving parents for you.

*sending out the love*

PS: Note to all you sick cute couples in the b-park GET A ROOM! I speak on behalf of all us singletons when i say, we do not, i repeat, we do NOT wish to see you sucking each others faces off.

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/11/2003 07:05:00 pm
Chapter One- The day clown trousers and fireman boots (covered in cow crap) became the latest fashion.

The sun was high in the sky, the birds were singing and there was a light breeze that lifted the leaves and rustled through the trees. However, it was 8:30 in the morning. On a Saturday. And the "light breeze" was ruffling its way through my hair. Great. Why we were made to meet at this god-earthly hour, I don’t know, but it was obviously the creation of some sadistic person out there.

When we all met up, the morale was high. Sure the bags were heavy, but to us they seemed perfectly manageable. For the first few paces of course. Then, the sheer weight of the bags would kick in and the stabbing pains on the shoulders would start. However, with a positive attitude, one can achieve anything so we grimly bore our burdens quietly and waited for the instructor to arrive with Alexa.

As the car pulled up, Alexa got out of the car as quickly as possible having already met our instructor. Telling by the scowl on Alexa’s face, our day was becoming even more enjoyable with the addition of our "I'm-a-professional-walker-so-listen-to-me-state-the-obvious" assessor. As she strolled out the car to meet us all, she greeted us with a simple greeting that could only be described as "professional". "Is anyone on their you-know-what?" So, the woman with whom we are spending the rest of the day with happens to be scared of the p-word. Also, she appears to be wearing some bizarre concoction that’s somewhere between Oxfam chic and potato sack designer wear. Oh, the day was just getting better and better.

When we set off, we mutually decided to make the best of a bad situation. However, after walking for several minutes down the main road, we were stopped by the "professional walker" and were told that we were going in the wrong direction. And the reason why you didn’t tell us this BEFORE we wasted our energy was? After getting back on track and on the right track, we were well into our D of E practice expedition. We saw an unbelievably cute rabbit and shocked our assessor with our shrieks of delight that were apparently "not appropriate". However, after being told that no, we could not take it with us, we left the rabbit to the mercy of the elements.

Trudging through the fields we were told to keep to the edge because the weeds and nettles that grew in the field may have been "crops". Our feet were beginning to hurt and Zoë decided to start a song to get us in the "D of E mood".

"My name is Zoë and I'm doing of D of E, In front of me, is Chrissy"

"My name is Chrissy Whitehead, I’d rather be in my bed" and so forth. It actually started to work and as Ents was beginning the next round, everyone fell silent as a man approached. Hmm, should we run and hide, or smile and pretend that we’re doing this voluntarily? Neither sounded appealing to us so we carried on silently. The man, oblivious to our torture stopped us to talk even though we all knew it was our assessor, Dr Wall that he really wanted to "talk" to. He began mindless conversation and even though we were glad of a rest, his god damn dog got some bizarre kick out of shoving its nose into our crotches.

The minutes passed and he asked us where we were from and where we were going. Strangely enough we all told him even though it’s common knowledge that you should NEVER give your details to strangers. He seemed to make little jokes that were apparently meant to be funny and we were on the verge of deserting Dr Wall and her new man-friend. However, the dog started the crotch-sniffing trick on Dr Wall, which lead to her deciding that we really had to go as we were "wasting valuable time". Duh, I'm a "professional", I state the obvious to make me look like Im actually worth the money im being paid.

After walking for a while, we reached a field. The field was large, fresh, spacious, and picturesque. Oh and did I mention, filled with cows? Well, we weren’t exactly sure of what they were, as some of them appeared to have horns the size of tree-trunks attached to their heads. We held our breath and decided to quietly make for the corner of the field. However, halfway across, we realised that our rucksacks were red and in terror, we desperately tried to cover them. Hmmm, so much for the quiet and calm approach. Dithering amongst the grass we encountered yet another terror. Cow pats the size of dinner plates with the consistency of gloopy cement. Delightful. After reaching the other side and clambering over the stile we found ourselves in yet another field. This time cow-free but instead it was crammed full with long-grass. All of us were reminded of the spectacular scene from Jurassic Park II and Zoë took great pleasure in shouting, "Don’t go through the long grass!" in that bizarre Indian-Russian accent. However, that too was not "appropriate". Walking through the field was not very entertaining but our hopes soared as we caught sight of civilisation again in the form of a golf course.

Going through the golf course, we received many glances from the golfers who were blatantly admiring our stunning DofE outfits, complete with fluorescent camping mats and sexy hiking boots. Trampling across the green was perilous as there were golf balls flying past from all angles. We hoped that Dr Wall would win the "first to get hit by a golf ball" game but alas, she was rather agile for a woman her age. Walking past the "exclusive" clubhouse the DofE song tried to make a comeback but we were told to "shush!" by some old ladies who were immediately proclaimed as *cough snobs cough* by Chrissy, who then realised that her Dad was also a member and that his car was in the car park.

After surviving the perils of the golf course, we began the long and arduous trek up Coomb hill. We were silent as we trudged through the leaves, whoever’s idea it was to go up the steepest side of the hill was obviously desperately thinking of someone else to blame it on. As we got to the top, we experienced our first encounter with a kissing-gate. After many desperate attempts at trying to squeeze through with our bulky bags, we realised that the gap was too small for us to pass through. What were we going to do? Then, "the professional" said that we should remove our bags and proceed. Unwillingly, we took off our bags and slowly made our way through the gate one by one. However all hell broke out and our gate-crossing speed suddenly achieved an all new high when we realised that there were members of the male species approaching rapidly. It was ironic that we were running away from them when on a normal day we would be in fact chasing after them. But obviously not screaming "RUN RUN RUN!" like insane lunatics. We managed to press on and were a distance away from the male group when Dr Wall decided that it was time to stop for lunch. Now you’re talking our language.

The "picnic" was great as the food was given that extra countryside touch by the means of crawling and flying insects. Yum. After lunch we all realised that we needed to go to "go pee-pee" and we could choose out of the large variety of toilets. That prickly bush, that bush in the mud or that tiny bush that only came up to our knees. Hmm, choices. We all hoped that that male group which was not far behind would not make a guest appearance. After many amusing minutes of confusion, we each went into our cubicles and came out laughing and giggling insanely. Oh the delights of mooning at Mother Nature.

We set off again but the weight of the bags was taking its toll. During an enjoyable walk downhill, Zoë took a fall and after rolling a while, she ended up stuck on her back with her legs and arms flailing in the air like a turtle. After that incident, she was then used as an example of "teamwork" or something like that and even though none of us understood what Dr Wall was talking about we all smiled, nodded and just hoped that no one else would fall and roll down the hill.

After many hours of weary trudging we finally reached Green Park and we were all glad to see signs of civilisation. Surprisingly, according to Dr Wall we were the 3rd group there and the first girl group. Whoopdeedoo. We really didn’t care because all we wanted to do was shake off our weirdo assessor so we could rest. However, our dream of having that well deserved break was dashed, as we had to put up our tent instead. That was decidedly harder than we thought it would be seeing that our tent decided to blow away in the wind. Imagine a green tent blowing around a field with 7 small people running insanely after it screaming and cursing. No, apparently that was not "appropriate" either. That scene would have made a great picture, pity we "misplaced" the camera.

After our tent was up, the other groups had arrived. We ate dinner, which consisted of burnt yet uncooked rice, which actually turned out to be edible. Everyone was hungry and ate quite quickly apart from Zoë who appeared to inhale the contents of her bowl in seconds. I think you can guess who got to eat the rest of the meal. We all split up for the rest of the evening and went our own ways. Harriet, Alexa and Hollie went for walks. Eleanor and Chrissy went to play football/handball and Zoë went to join her fellow crazy people on the other side of the field. After an interesting evening we found our way to our tents in the darkness and fell asleep.

It was 4’o clock and everyone was woken by the sound of talking. In the green tent, Zoë who had woken up, discovered that she could not feel her nose due to the intense cold and delightedly informed her tent-mates who buried their heads in their sleeping bags and tried to sleep. However, the talking did not stop and eventually there was a gradual build-up of cursing coming from Group 11. Still the talking carried on and Group 9 were woken up from their pleasant dreams into their worst nightmares. Imagine dreaming about being back at home on the sofa watching TV and then waking up in a freezing tent to a steady stream of swear words coming from all around and some lunatic shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSE!" at regular intervals. Not exactly the most courteous of awakenings.

Then Group 9 joined in the conflict and started shouting at Group 11 who were shouting at the people talking. This then woke up Groups 7, 8 and 12 who then started shouting at Group 9 for shouting at Group 10 for shouting at the people who were talking. Just when things were about to get really heated, Zoë decided to put an end to this by defying the "freezignuss" and getting out of the tent. She was escorted by Christina and after they established the offending tent they randomly banged on the walls. Chrissy began with "Please can you be quiet" but was interrupted by Zoë who promptly threatened to come in there and make them shut up. This happened to work and suddenly the tent was quiet. As Chrissy and Zoë walked off, the tent then erupted into chatter again. This then led to Zoë running as fast as she could in her clodhopper boots, towards the tent with all the intentions of kicking it down and ripping it into shreds. However Chrissy managed to restrain her and they went back to the Group 11 sector and fell asleep again.

After a hearty breakfast of cereal bars and watery tea (avec bits of grass) Group 11 were packing and getting ready to go. This day looked to be better seeing that the "professional walker" would not accompany them. Group 11 had a quick kit check and then we were off into the wild. However, our enthusiasm for walking had long gone and we were now cursing the stupid inventor of the D of E award and it never occurred to us that it might actually be the Duke himself.

Later, after walking quite a while we heard some lame interpretation of Spandeau Ballet and were consequently joined by Group 1 who were in such a good mood that was not possible on D of E unless under the influence of alcohol. Their mood seemed to rub off on us but alas, we had to part and we turned into a field while they stopped for a break. The field was full of cute little black cows with cute little noses and don’t forget the cute cow crap that they had kindly dumped in the footpath. We were wrong. The cows appeared to have never seen walkers before and some started to follow us as we went up the field. We remembered the advice we were given and we all decided to stay still until they had lost interest. We would have been fine if the god dam cows hadn’t started to snort and wave their heads at us. This freaked out Harriet, Eleanor and Hollie who began to run towards the stile as fast as they could. So much for the "staying still". This then led to the rest of the cows running after the three of them. The rest of us stood dead still and the cows ran straight past us waving their heads and mooing like there was no tomorrow. Luckily they got to the stile in time and as they scrambled over, the cows all decided to crowd around the stile and watch them trying to communicate frantically with the rest of the group who were now stranded in the middle of the field. Lets just say that Alexa, Danielle, Christina and Zoë were not very happy bunnies.


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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/11/2003 06:16:00 pm
Intro to D of E Diary

Evening People, Dont ask why I did this, I was in a "happy" state of mind ok? Perhaps under the influence of sugar. For those of you who read the demo, this is just a continuation. For those of you who havent read it-be warned.

Its rather long so you may want to print it off and read it offline or whatever. BTW it all happened- Just ask any member of Group 11.

Pray for our traumatised little souls

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# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 7/11/2003 06:12:00 pm

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